|Is it rock bottom yet?
||[Nov. 21st, 2003|12:39 am]
chronicles of a serial dater
This feels like shit. I can't shake it. I just keep thinking, this will stop eventually. It always does. But for the time being, I'm just miserable. |
So thats about all I can say about that without repeating myself. Onto other things: I wrote something about this having happened to me before, the instant thing. And I think I mentioned that they have the same name. But thats not all.
Same age. Same delusional ideas about a career, which I guess makes for same occupation, or as I see it, lack there of. They even have the same number of letters in their last name. Spooky.
The first one was a little different, only in that it dragged on for a couple of years. Well technically "it" didn't, it was over just as quickly, it just took us a year and a half to finish the whole deal and, I moved. I don't even want to know what would be happening now had I not moved. It would certainly be some continuation of the masochistic nightmare that it was. The first one has moved on. Ha! This "moving on" business makes me angrier than the actual relationship, and breaking up and all of that. He "moved on" to a girl that looks exactly like me, is the same age I was when I met him, is from the same country (except she doesn't speak English, at all), and has the same initials! Which wouldn't be weird, except that I have rare initials, just not a combination you hear often. So they're probably green card married by now. Which is fine. I hope she gave him third world country diseases. Second world, actually.
The second one told me that he'd be leaving to go home for thanksgiving tomorrow morning. I wonder if thats a lie. Probably. And whats really stopping me from making any kind of attempt at .. anything, really, is the first one. I already know exactly what could happen. And it just isn't worth it. You can guilt people into things, but you can never make them love you. Or like you, for fuck's sake.
I don't have anything new to say. The feeling like shit part comes and goes, sometimes I get distracted, but for the most part I just feel like shit. I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I hate TV. I don't feel like doing anything. I think I would be ok just staying in bed for a couple of weeks. I'm really glad Thanksgiving is coming up. I could stay in bed for a few days at least. Its always so conspicuous around the holidays though. I kind of hate everyone right now. Just because they get in the way of my being alone. There's shower and sleep. Everything else sucks. I don't sleep very much. And I don't like showering more than twice a day.
This does end. It will be better. It can't last forever. It will end. It will be better. I just wish I knew when, so I could plan around it. This fucking blows.